1. |
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WELL, I SPENT SOME TIME IN COLLEGE
STUDYING MIDDLE EAST POLITICS
AND ALL OF MY PROFESSORS WERE FUCKING LUNATICS
SO I DECIDED THAT I WOULD QUIT
BUT DURING COLLEGE I HAD THIS FUCKING ROOMMATE
WHO HAD NASTY ASS ARMPITS
AND HE SEEMED TO BE JUST A TAD BIT OBSESSED WITH IT
IN 1983 I TOOK A TRIP TO LEBANON
AGAINST MY ADVISER'S ADVICE I BROUGHT MY ROOMMATE ALONG
AND THE FUCKING PRICK GOT SHOT
SO NOW I STUDY ANTHROPOLOGY
AT WISCONSIN STATE UNIVERSITY
AND I FIND IT TO BE A BIT GRATIFYING
BUT NOT QUITE AS GRATIFYING AS STUDYING MIDDLE EAST POLITICS
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2. |
Dick Hunt
04:03
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JUST A BEER WITH LUNCH TODAY
GONNA GO BLOW SOME FUCKING QUAIL AWAY TODAY
JUST ANOTHER BEER ON THE WAY OUT OF THE HOUSE TODAY
AND THEN I'M GONNA GO WITH MY PAL HARRY BOTTOM
AND FUCKING BLOW SOME QUAIL AWAY
WYOMING STYLE
THAT'S HOW WE KICK IT HERE IN TEXAS
LET'S DRAIN THE TREASURY AND GIVE IT ALL TO WYOMING
THERE MIGHT BE NATURAL GAS UNDER THERE
LET'S FIND IT ALL AND TAKE IT
AND LEAVE THE PEOPLE WITH NOTHING
I COULD USE ANOTHER DRINK
I THINK I'M GETTING A LITTLE SLEEPY
SOMETIMES ALCOHOL AND THIS HEART MEDICINE I HAVE TO TAKE DOES THAT TO DICK CHENEY
I THINK I SEE ONE OUT THERE MOVING AROUND IN THE BRUSH
DO YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOT AT IT EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE THE PROPER PERMIT AND SO REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT
WHAT'S THAT IN MY LINE OF FIRE?
THAT'S IT - THAT'S THE FUCKING BIRD
I SHOULD HAVE GOT MY VISION CHECKED BEFORE I GOT DRUNK AND CAME OUT HERE AND WENT HUNTING
OH MY GOD HARRY ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
HOLY FUCK - GET MY EMERGENCY MEDICAL TEAM HERE RIGHT AWAY
I JUST HAD ONE BEER
THERE'S NO MISTRESS WITH ME HERE
WE WERE JUST A COUPLE OF MULTI-MILLIONAIRE REPUBLICANS HUNTING IN TEXAS EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE PLENTY OF QUAIL IN WYOMING TO HUNT
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3. |
Circumcision
02:14
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IT'S COMMONLY BELIEVED THAT WHEN A BABY BOY
GETS HIS COCK CLIPPED AT A YOUNG AGE IT WILL PREVENT URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS
IN FACT THIS IS NOT TRUE
THE FORESKIN COLLECTS BACTERIA
AND PREVENTS IT FROM PENETRATING THE URETHRA
THUS PREVENTING INTERNAL INFECTION
SO THE PRACTICE OF CIRCUMCISION
IS UNNECESSARY AND BARBARIC
SOME PEOPLE ARGUE THAT CHILDREN JUST LAY THERE
NOT CRYING PEACEFULLY
WHEN IN FACT THEY ARE GOING INTO NEUROLOGICAL SHOCK
BECAUSE A DOCTOR OR SOME FUCKING JEWISH GUY JUST CUT OFF THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY MILLION NERVE ENDINGS
IT FUCKING HURTS
AND IF YOU LEAVE THE FORESKIN
SEX WILL BE MORE PLEASURABLE FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WHEN YOU GROW UP
THIS IS A FUCKING FACT
TAKE THAT
THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT CIRCUMCISION
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4. |
I'm A Fucking Drunk
02:33
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I'M FUCKING DRUNK
THAT'S RIGHT I'M FUCKED UP
AND I'M GONNA PUKE IN YOUR TRUCK
YOU STUPID PRICK - YOU FUCKING DICK
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING DRUNK
I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SHIT
I JUST DRINK LOTS OF BOOZE
AND I EAT LOTS OF CRAP
AND I SNORT LOTS OF COKE
AND I DABBLE A LITTLE IN SMACK
AND I LIKE DRINKING GAS
AND I LIKE SMELLING OIL
AND I LIKE SHOVING UNIDENTIFIED OBJECTS THAT HAVE SHARP POINTS UP MY NOSE
IT JUST THRILLS ME
IT KIND OF CHILLS ME TO THINK WHAT KIND OF PERSON I REALLY AM
I DRINK TOO MUCH SODA POP
IT'S GOING TO MAKE ALL OF MY TEETH ROT
AND FALL OUT OF MY MOUTH
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5. |
Welcome To Vega$
02:26
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GOT MONEY
ON YOU NOW?
JUST A LITTLE
I'M PRETTY CASHED-OUT PAL
BUT HOW ABOUT THIS
TWENTY BUCKS IN CHIPS
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A PLACE TO STAY TONIGHT
AND PLENTY TO DRINK BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE DO IT AROUND HERE
AND PLENTY TO EAT TO GO WITH ALL OF YOUR NINETY-NINE CENT BEERS
AND PLENTY TO DO WITH ALL OF THESE LIGHTS TWINKLING TO ENTERTAIN YOU
AS YOU PROVIDE OUR FARE CITY WITH ONE-TENTH OF AMERICA'S ANNUAL GROSS REVENUE
WE'RE NUMBER ONE WITH AL QAEDA
A POTENTIAL TARGET
SO OUR MILITARY PRESENCE WE SHALL ENLARGE
MAKE THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE INTO A GOVERNMENT SLASH MAFIA RUN POLICE STATE
BELIEVE ME
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6. |
Laser Tag Suicide
03:43
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1986 DREW ME QUICKLY TO THE NEWEST FAD
A GAME SIMILAR TO PAINT BALL THAT THEY CALLED LASER TAG
SOME SAID ONLY FAGS PLAY LASER TAG
I SAID "THAT'S NOT P.C. ONLY A HOMOPHOBE WOULD SAY SUCH A THING."
SO IT WAS ON
LATE AFTERNOON IN THE WOODS
ME AND THE HOMOPHOBE WITH OUR LASER TAG GUNS
OUR CHEST PLATES AND VESTS ON
I WAS GOING TO STRIKE A BLOW FOR ALL THE GAY COMMUNITY
HE JUST WANTED TO LASER TAG ME
THERE WAS A SHORT IN HIS CHEST PLATE
HE RECEIVED A SEVERE SHOCK
WHEN MY LASER TAG BEAM HIT HIM RIGHT ON TARGET
HE DROPPED TO THE GROUND
GASPED AND CONVULSED A FEW TIMES
THEN HIS HEART STOPPED AND HE FUCKING DIED
I GUILT OVERWHELMED ME
I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT MY INNOCENT QUEST TO PROTECT THE GAY COMMUNITY
RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF SOMEONE THAT I LOOSELY CONSIDERED AN ACQUAINTANCE
I COULDN'T BARE THE BURDEN SO I HUNG MYSELF IN MY CLOSET
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7. |
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SHOCKER
SHOCKER
A MYSTERIOUS SEXUAL DEVICE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT DOES
IT'S GOT THREE PRONGS
AND FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND YOU SHOVE IT UP YOUR MATE'S BUTT
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
BACK IN 1989 WES CRAVEN MADE A MOVIE BY THE SAME TITLE
I WATCHED THAT MOVIE 37 TIMES
BUT IT JUST WASN'T QUITE LIKE HAVING AN ELECTRICAL SHOCK SHOVED UP MY RUMP
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
SHOCKER
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8. |
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CHERRY MOTHBALL HANDY SOCK
YOUR COCK IS A VERY HAIRY COCK
THE HAIRIEST ONE THAT I'VE EVER SEEN
AND I'VE SEEN THREE COCKS
I DANCE AROUND AND LIKE I KNOW HOW TO DANCE AROUND
BUT I'VE FOOLED YOU
BECAUSE I'M AN ALIEN
AND I'M FROM OUTER SPACE
A RUMBLING COMES THROUGH
YOU FEEL IT PULLING YOU
YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THEM WHAT IT IS
OR THEY'LL KNOW THAT YOU'RE RIGHT
THEY ALWAYS KNOW
AND WHAT THEY KNOW IS VERY TERRIFYING
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The Bassturd Las Vegas, Nevada
The Bassturd was born, and now occasionally plays music. He does not care for deep house or cucumbers. Influences include alcohol, cigarettes, psilocybin and cats.
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