79 Songs Project

by The Bassturd

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about

These songs were written for individuals that contributed money to a kickstarter campaign that I ran last spring in order to raise funds to help offset the costs of releasing "The Dark Side Of The Turd" and the "Joe Jack Talcum / The Bassturd" split 7-inch single. Each backer was given the option to come up with an idea for a song that would then be written and recorded specifically for them. There were a total of 79 backers, and thus 79 songs were written and recorded. These songs are not for sale, but you can stream them for free. Some backers may have requested to not have their song available to the general public, in which case I have respected their wishes and have not included that song.

credits

released July 31, 2011

Written, recorded, produced, mixed, and mastered by The Bassturd, (except where noted).

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The Bassturd Las Vegas, Nevada

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Track Name: Hanging With The Aliens
WHEN THEY LANDED LATE LAST SPRING
PEOPLE CLAIMED IT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING
BUT IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG BEFORE THEY CHANGED THEIR TUNE
WHEN IT BECAME OBVIOUS THE VISITORS WERE LOONS
YOU SEE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THEIR HIGHLY EVOLVED RACE
FOUND THESE PARTICULAR ALIENS TO BE A DISGRACE
SO THEY PUT THEM IN A ROCKET AND SHOT IT INTO SPACE
EVENTUALLY CRASH-LANDING NEAR MY PLACE

LUCKILY I TOO SUFFER FROM INSANITY
SO THE ALIENS AND I HIT IT OFF IMMEDIATELY
NOW WE HANG OUT EVERYDAY DOING CRAFTS AND SMOKING CIGS
JUST ME AND MY POSSE OF PSYCHOTIC ALIENS
Track Name: My Imaginary Friend
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND

MY IMAGINARY FRIEND IS NEVER THERE FOR ME
ALWAYS PRETENDING TO BE BUT JUST PRETENDING YOU SEE
TO BELIEVE IN MY FRIEND REQUIRES A SUSPENSION
OF ALL LOGIC AND REASON
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND NEVER LENDS ME A HAND
CAN'T DANCE OR SING - DOESN'T PLAY IN A BAND
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND TENDS TO NOT SAY MUCH
HE'S NOT ONE FOR CONVERSATION - ALWAYS KEEPS HIS MOUTH SHUT
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND ALWAYS DISAPPEARS
WHEN HE FEARS OUTSIDERS DRAWING NEAR
RETREATING BACK INTO MY MIND
WHERE HE GOES SOMETIMES TO UNWIND
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND AIN'T GOT A CLUE
NO JOB, NO SCHOOL, NOTHING TO DO
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND IS DECEPTIVE INDEED
SO MUCH SO THAT HE'S IMAGINARY

MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
Track Name: Bacon In The Sun
BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON IN THE SUN

BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON IN THE SUN

BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON IN THE SUN

LET ME GO ON
LIKE A BACON IN THE SUN
LET ME GO ON
LIKE A BACON IN THE SUN
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - The Worse It Gets
BOUGHT A BRAND NEW BAG
LATE LAST WEEK
WHEN I GOT IT, IT WAS STICKY AND BRIGHT GREEN
I LEFT IT SITTING OUT THEN IT TURNED BROWN
NOW IT'S AS DRY AS A PILE OF AUTUMN LEAVES

(CHORUS)
THE LONGER THAT IT SITS
THE WORSE IT GETS
(REPEAT)

I LIKE IT WHEN IT'S FRESH OFF THE PLANT
BUT THE LONGER SITTING AROUND UNFROZEN AND UNSMOKED
IT'S GOING TO LOSE SOME POTENCY MAN
SO TRY AND KEEP IT IN A GLASS JAR
OR ANOTHER AIR-TIGHT CONTAINER, BECAUSE

(CHORUS)
THE LONGER THAT IT SITS
THE WORSE IT GETS
(REPEAT)

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO SMOKE SOME FRESH HERB
AND IF IT'S ALL DRY, I CAN'T
SO I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT…

(CHORUS)
THE LONGER THAT IT SITS
THE WORSE IT GETS
(REPEAT)
Track Name: An Epic And Hard-Hitting Instrumental
(Instrumental)
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Blue Jeans & Peanut Butter
WHEN I RETURNED FROM GERMANY
I WANTED PEANUT BUTTER AND BLUE JEANS
THOSE WERE THE THINGS I FOUND MYSELF LONGING FOR
SO I SWORE THAT I'D FIGURE OUR A WAY
TO PROCURE THOSE ITEMS FROM THE STATES
I'D MAKE A DEAL AND WE'D CONCEDE
I'D EXCHANGE HARIBU GUMI
FOR BLUE JEANS AND PEANUT BUTTER
FOR BLUE JEANS AND PEANUT BUTTER

THERE'S A SECRET BLACK MARKET IN BERLIN
IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ITEMS, YOU'RE IN
IT'S A LUCRATIVE TRADE AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY
I WAS A KINGPIN IN IT
BECAUSE I SOLD BLUE JEANS AND PEANUT BUTTER
SMUGGLED TO ME FROM MY IOWA MULE
I SOLD BLUE JEANS AND PEANUT BUTTER
SMUGGLED TO ME AND I SOLD THEM TO YOU
Track Name: Milton Rhymes With...
BABY LEONI RHYMES WITH BALOGNA
AWESOME POODLE HELENA SORT OF RHYMES WITH VIRGINIA
KILLER SPRING SPANIEL LARRY RHYMES WITH VERY SECONDARY
LOVING WIFE ANGELA KIND OF RHYMES WITH GLANDULAR… SORT OF
SELLOUT JOB RHYMES WITH ANGRY MOB
DR. JOSEPH MILTON RHYMES WITH DR. PARIS HILTON

MAN, Y'ALL GOT SOME HARD NAMES TO RHYME STUFF WITH
WELL, EXCEPT FOR LARRY - THAT WAS PRETTY EASY

BABY LEONI RHYMES WITH BALOGNA
AWESOME POODLE HELENA SORT OF RHYMES WITH VIRGINIA
SELLOUT JOB RHYMES WITH ANGRY MOB
DR. JOSEPH MILTON RHYMES WITH DR. PARIS HILTON
Track Name: Mopheads
BOY YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP
YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A MOP
THAT MOP UPON YOUR TOP
YOU NEED TO GET IT CHOPPED
IF YOU WANT TO BE
TAKEN SERIOUSLY
GET THAT MOP TOP CUT OFF
AND PEOPLE WILL NOT SCOFF
AT YOUR MOPPY-HEADED DOME
THEY WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE
YOU'RE HEAD WON'T BE SO HOT
ONCE YOU'VE CHOPPED OFF YOUR MOP
AND YOU'LL BEGIN TO SEE
THE SIMPLE LUXURY
OF A HEAD FREE OF A MOP
BOY YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP…

(CHORUS)
MOPHEADS - GROWING A MOPHEAD
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Owls
OWLS POSSES A KEEN VISION
THAT SEEMS TO AID THEIR AMBITION
TACTFUL HUNTERS LACKING WISDOM
OWLS

SCREECH OWLS WILL BEFRIEND A BLIND SNAKE
ALLOWING THEM TO TAKE A BREAK
FROM KEEPING AND ANTS AND GNATS OFF THEIR EGGS
OWLS

PERCHED ATOP THE TALLEST TREE
AWAITING A MOUSE OR BUNNY
WHO FROLICS UNSUSPECTINGLY
OWLS

ONCE THEY HAVE SPOTTED THEIR PREY
THEY WILL ACT DECISIVELY
THEY PLOT THEIR COURSE PRECISELY
OWLS

A FIERCE PREDATOR TO BE FEARED
FEASTING UPON DEAD BABY DEER
OUT OF THE DARKNESS THEY APPEAR
OWLS

THEY WILL SWALLOW THEIR PREY WHOLE
BURROWING OWLS DIG A HOLE
SOME ARGUE THAT THEY HAVE NO SOUL
OWLS
Track Name: Reagan Broke Me
REAGAN BROKE ME - RAPED AND CHOKED ME
ROLLED ME - LICKED ME - LIT ME - SMOKED ME
TOKED ME - JOKED ABOUT MY FATE
INDIRECTLY WITH HIS CLOSE MATES
REAGAN HAD A HEARTY LAUGH
WHEN I LOST THE FARM MY DAD HAD
BUT NOW I FIND MYSELF AT PEACE
IN THE GARDEN PICKING MY PEAS
REAGAN BROKE ME IN THE 80S
I WAS COMPLETELY DEVASTATED
I DEBATED MANY OPTIONS
BEFORE FINALLY I OPTED
TO HOARD HUGE SCORES OF RANDOM TRASH
SOMETIMES SELLING IT FOR CASH
WHICH I THEN USE TO BUY SOME MORE
I HOARD - I HOARD - I HOARD - I HOARD
BECAUSE REAGAN BROKE ME - BEAT ME - ROPED ME
SECRETLY I KIND OF HOPED HE'D
LET US FAMILY FARMERS BE
WE WERE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ENDS MEET
I WAS NOT PART OF REAGAN'S VISION
I WAS FACED WITH TOUGH DECISIONS
GIVEN ALL THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH
I'D EXPECT MORE RESPECT FROM YOU

(CHORUS)
I NEVER VOTED FOR REAGAN
REAGAN BROKE ME

REAGAN BROKE ME - STILL I CAN'T SEE
WHY SOBEK AND BRANDENSTEIN
SHOW UP AND TORMENT MY CATS
OR SET FIRE TO MY DAMN CANS
REAGAN BROKE ME - THUS I'M ALWAYS
BURDENED BY POVERTY
DAMNED IF I DO - DAMNED IF I DON'T
I COULD TRY HARDER BUT I WON'T BECAUSE

(CHORUS)
I NEVER VOTED FOR REAGAN
REAGAN BROKE ME
Track Name: Bourbon
BOURBON - I'M IMBIBING - I'M IN BOURBON - I'M IMBIBING
(REPEAT)

BOTTOMS UP - BOTTOM OUT
DRINK BOURBON AND GUINNESS STOUT
DRINK UNTIL I BLACK OUT
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT
HARBOR A SINGULAR GOAL TO GET TOTALLY SHITFACED
WHIP MY DICK OUT AT THE QUIK TRIP AND PISS ALL OVER THE PLACE
FEARLESSLY BOLD - FRIGHTENINGLY FOUL
SLURRING MY SPEECH OR SIMPLY COMMUNICATING IN GROWLS
HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THIS REPETITIOUS REFRAIN?
I JUST PLACE ALL OF THE BLAME ON MY BOURBON SOAKED BRAIN
IT DOESN'T WORK RIGHT - IT CAUSES ME TO BE
MORE ANNOYING AND UNSTABLE - UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY
DEARLY I CLING TO THE INTOXICATING
ALLURE OF BOURBON THAT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BRING
ME TO THE VERGE OF A EUPHORIC COLLAPSE
PERHAPS THIS MEMORY LAPSE CAN BE CURED BY A NAP
OR ANOTHER SHOT OF FUEL - LIQUID INSPIRATION
HENCE THIS HOLY PROCLAMATION - BOURBON IS MY SALVATION

BOURBON - I'M IMBIBING - I'M IN BOURBON - I'M IMBIBING
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Brewster
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Anal Sacs
DID YOU KNOW THAT CATS HAVE ANAL SACS
IN WHICH FLUID IS STORED THAT
PROVIDES THEIR ASS A UNIQUE SCENT
THAT REPRESENTS THEIR TEMPERAMENT
AND OTHER USEFUL INFORMATION
AIDING IDENTIFICATION
THROUGH THE PUNGENT FRAGRANCE THEY EMIT
OTHER ANIMALS ASSOCIATE IT
WITH THE STENCH OF KITTY CATS
BUT SOMETIMES THE ANAL SACS
RUPTURE AND SPILL FLUID ABOUT
UNTIL THE SAC HAS EMPTIED OUT
ALL OF THE FOUL SMELLING OOZE
EXPELLING PRUDES AS IT SPEWS
FROM A RUPTURED ANAL SAC
ONCE EMPTIED, IT MUST BE STITCHED BACK
SHUT SO THAT AN INFECTION
CAN HOPEFULLY BE AVOIDED
BUT ONCE THAT'S DONE IT'S UNLIKELY THAT
FLUID WILL RETURN TO THE SAC
AND THE CAT IN QUESTION WILL NO LONGER
RUB THAT STANKY GUNK UP ON YA'
YOU'LL BE FREE TO PET THE KITTY
WITHOUT ANY NEED TO WORRY
Track Name: I'm A Cat
MAY I PLEASE SMELL YOUR FEET?
MAY I RUB MY HEAD ON YOUR GLOVE?
WOULD YOU MIND SCRATCHING BEHIND
MY EARS AND ATOP MY HEAD?
MAY I HAVE SOME FOOD BEFORE GOING TO BED?

I HALLUCINATE IMAGINARY PREY
I STARTLE EASILY SO PLEASE DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME

(CHORUS)
I'M A CAT
Track Name: Centaur At Law
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU MAY BE ABLE TO OFFER ME SOME LEGAL ADVICE
FOR WHICH I AM IN NEED
PLEASE ACCEPT THIS $1 RETAINER FEE
ATTORNEY / CLIENT CONFIDENTIALITY
NOW ALLOWS ME TO REVEAL TO THEE
THE FACT THAT I LACK THE NECESSARY FUNDING
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SERVICES YOU AR OFFERING
HOWEVER, GREAT POWERS UPON YOU I AM ABLE TO BESTOW
YOU'LL BE MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OTHER PERSON YOU KNOW
SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE - THUS OUR AGREEMENT SHALL BE
I'LL TURN YOU INTO A CENTAUR AND YOU'LL REPRESENT ME

NOW I RETAIN THE COUNSEL OF THE ONLY CENTAUR LAWYER IN THE GAME
HIS MAGNIFYING PRESENCE IS ENOUGH TO WIN A CASE
HIS FREAKISH OUTWARD APPEARANCE MAY SEEM OUT OF PLACE
BUT BEING A POWERFUL CENTAUR ACCIDENT ATTORNEY
ALLOWS HIM MANY UNIQUE ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES
SO CALL 1-800-CENTAUR IF YOU'VE BEEN IN A CRASH
JOHN STROUSS - CENTAUR AT LAW - WILL GET YOU CASH
Track Name: Clumps
CLUMPS - CLUMPS - CLUMPS - CLUMPS

IRIS - IRIS - IRIS - IRIS

EVERY TIME I PET YOUR BACKSIDE
LITTLE CLUMPS OF ORANGE FUR
COME OFF IN MY HAND
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Leave Fort Worth
LEAVE FORTH WORTH
LEAVE IT EMPTY
THEN SCORCH THE EARTH
LEAVE FORT WORTH
LEAVE IT FOREVER
THEN LET IT BURN
LEAVE FORT WORTH
LEAVE IT HOLLOW
AND WITHOUT GIRTH
LEAVE FORT WORTH
IT'S BEEN FORSAKEN
SINCE ITS BIRTH

(CHORUS)
LEAVE IT FOREVER - NEVER RETURN
NEVER RETURN TO FORT WORTH

LEAVE FORT WORTH
LEAVE IT EMPTY
SCORCH THE EARTH
LEAVE FORT WORTH
HEAD DOWN TO CORPUS
LEARN TO SURF

(CHORUS)
LEAVE IT FOREVER - NEVER RETURN
DON'T LOOK BACK AT FORT WORTH
LEAVE IT TO BE COLD & EMPTY
A DEAD CITY RETURNED TO EARTH
Track Name: Flophouse
I'M GLAD THAT YOU CAME OUT
WELCOME TO THE FLOPHOUSE
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU OUT
WELCOME TO THE FLOPHOUSE

FLOPHOUSE
FLOPHOUSE
FLOPHOUSE
FLOPHOUSE
FLOPHOUSE
FLOPHOUSE
FLOP ABOUT
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Krull Nuggets Blog Theme Song
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Pudding Bomb
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE
IT DOESN'T MATTER - THEY'RE BOTH DELICIOUS
TAPIOCA IS NOT THE BEST
BUT I STILL PREFER IT OVER A PLATE OF LETTUCE
WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN IT PICKS MY SPIRITS UP
WHETHER IT BE OFF A PIE CRUST OF OUT OF A CUP
WHEN I'M PUTTING THE PUDDING INTO MY TUMMY
I GET CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES BECAUSE IT'S SO YUMMY
THEN I'VE GOT TO LIE DOWN
LET IT DIGEST
BEFORE WE CAN GET BACK TO THE BUSINESS
OF CONSUMING STAGGERING VOLUMES OF PUDDING
WAVERING BETWEEN STABILITY AND LOOSE FOOTING

(CHORUS)
PUDDING - PUDDING IS THE BOMB
PUDDING BOMB - PUDDING BOMB
EAT IT ALL DAY LONG
PUDDING IS OFF THE CHAIN
PUDDING BRAIN - PUDDING BRAIN
PUDDING ON THE BRAIN
PUDDING IS NUMBER ONE
PUDDING ONE - PUTTING ONE
OVER ON SOMEONE
PUDDING IS ALWAYS SUCH A TREAT
PUDDING IT - PUTTING
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING
Track Name: Horse Power
A HORSE IS A HORSE - OF COURSE - OF COURSE
THAT IS OF COURSE UNLESS THAT HORSE
HAS BEEN GROUND UP AND RENDERED INTO DOG FOOD AND GLUE
INTO GUMMY BEARS & JELL-O SHOTS & OTHER PRODUCTS TOO
DUDE, MY MOOD BECOMES SOURED WHEN I HEAR A HORSE'S NEIGH
I WISH THEY COULD CAST OFF THEIR RIDER AND GALLOP AWAY
TO AN EXISTENCE FREE OF SLAVERY
GRAZING ON AN OPEN PRAIRIE
MAYBE ONE DAY WE'LL SEE A HORSE UPRISING
AND THEN YOU WON'T FIND IT SO SURPRISING
WHEN ALL THE FENCES HAVE FALLEN AND ALL THE STABLES HAVE BURNED
HARSH LESSONS WE'LL LEARN ONCE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
AND WE NO LONGER TREAT HORSES IN SUCH A BARBARIC WAY
ALLOW THEM THE RIGHT TO VOTE AND SERVE IN THE MILITARY
NO LONGER SOLELY VIEWED AS UTILITARIAN TOOLS
WE MAY WELL LIVE TO SEE THE DAY WHEN HORSES RULE

(CHORUS)
THE TIDES CHANGE
NOTHING STAYS THE SAME
THE HORSE POWER MOVEMENT
HAS FOREVER CHANGED THE GAME
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - The Benefits Of Rubbing One Off
STRESS - WHAT A MESS
WE NEED LESS DEADLY STRESS
SEX REDUCES SEX
THUS THEY STRESS HAVE MORE SEX
BUT SEX CAN BE HARD TO GET
SO PLEASE CONSIDER THE BENEFITS

(CHORUS)
OF RUBBING ONE OFF AND CUMMING INTO A CLOTH
OF STIRRING THE BEAN WITH LUBRICATING CREAM
RUB ONE OFF EVERY MORNING BEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY
AND YOU'LL BE LESS LIKELY TO PERV. OUT ON THE SUBWAY

WHEN YOU'RE OUT AT A SHOW
AND YOUR MOJO IS OUT OF CONTROL
BUT THERE'S NO ONE WITH WHOM YOU'D LIKE TO GET
PLEASE CONSIDER THE BENEFITS

(CHORUS)
OF RUBBING ONE OFF AND CUMMING INTO A CLOTH
OF STIRRING THE BEAN WITH LUBRICATING CREAM
RUB ONE OFF EVERY MORNING BEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY
AND YOU'LL BE LESS LIKELY TO PERV. OUT ON THE SUBWAY
Track Name: Ice Cream Socialism
THIS EXPERIMENT IN CAPITALISM
LEFT US WITH A BROKEN SYSTEM
SOME AMONG US SHARED A VISION
FOR A UNIQUE BRAND OF SOCIALISM
GIVEN THE MESS WE HAD CREATED
ENERGY PRICES WERE GREATLY INFLATED
AND AS A RESULT MANY PEOPLE WENT BROKE
WITHOUT MEANS TO BUY THINGS THE ECONOMY CHOKED
AND THEN A CHAIN REACTION WAS SET IN MOTION
WHICH QUICKLY LED TO THE WIDESPREAD NOTION
THAT WE'D BEEN SOLD OUT BY THE POWERS THAT BE
ROBBED BLIND BLATANTLY BY THE EXTREMELY WEALTHY
WITH FEW OPTIONS LEFT AT OUR DISPOSAL
WE HELD A GIANT ICE CREAM SOCIAL
TO DISCUSS MEANS BY WHICH TO PROCEED
AND THUS WE HAD PLANTED THE SEED
FOR A SYSTEM OF TRADE BUILT UPON A DESERT
WHERE EVERYDAY WHEN WE'RE FINISHED WITH WORK
OUR REWARD IS IN THE FORM OF AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE
TOPPED WITH WALNUTS, SPRINKLES, AND A CHERRY
NOW EVERYONE IS MERRY - NOBODY COMPLAINS
SO FOR NOW IT SEEMS HARMONY SHALL BE SUSTAINED
SINCE WE'VE ELECTED TO LIVE UNDER A SYSTEM
OF ICE CREAM SOCIALISM

(CHORUS)
I SCREAM - YOU SCREAM -
ICE CREAM SOCIALISM
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Something Awesome
WOULD YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING AWESOMELY
I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU SEEK AT THE RISK OF BEING LABELED A FREAK
I'LL GIVE UP THE FORMULA - THE FORMULA FOR SOMETHING AWESOME

(CHORUS)
I'M GIVING 'EM
I'M GIVING 'EM
I'M GIVING 'EM
SOMETHING AWESOME
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Squirrels... I Dunno...
I DON'T KNOW
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK ME THIS?
I MEAN IF I HAVE TO PICK
THEN I PICK SQUIRRELS I GUESS
I MEAN, WHO CARES?
NOBODY GIVES A SHIT
SO, YEAH - I PICK
I PICK SQUIRRELS I GUESS

(CHORUS)
SQUIRRELS SEEMS TO ME TO BE
SOMEHOW ARTISTICALLY
MORE OPEN-ENDED
THEN SOMETHING MORE TOPICALLY

SPECIFIC TO THE DATE AND TIME
AT WHICH I AM WRITING THIS RHYME
SO LEST WE GET TOO COMPLEX
FALL BACK ON SQUIRRELS AND LET'S REFLECT
ON NEGLECTED IDEAS FOR SONGS THAT HAVE FALLEN
BY THE WAYSIDE - THUS I'M LEFT TO PEN
THIS ODE - THIS SCREED - THIS ANTHEM
TO OUR FLEA-RIDDEN, FLUFFY TAILED, NUT EATING FRIENDS

(CHORUS)
SQUIRRELS SEEM TO ME TO BE
SOMEHOW ARTISTICALLY
MORE OPEN-ENDED THAN
PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING
SO WRITE A SONG ABOUT SQUIRRELS FOR ME
AND I SHALL FOREVER BE
GRATEFUL THAT AN ODE EXISTS
TO HONOR THESE PESKY VARMINTS
Track Name: Have You Seen "THE WIRE" Yet?
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW "THE WIRE" YET?
MAN, IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME
IT'S ABOUT THE BALTIMORE P.D.
BUT FOCUSES HEAVILY
ON DETECTIVES THAT WORK HOMICIDES
IT'S LIKE GETTING A GLIMPSE INSIDE
A STRANGE AND FASCINATING WORLD
WITH WHICH I WAS UNFAMILIAR
BEFORE "THE WIRE" REVEALED TO ME
THE FRUSTRATING BUREAUCRACY
OF AN URBAN POLICE DEPARTMENT
ON THE VERGE OF FALLING APART
EACH SEASON TACKLES A NEW THEME
WHILE SEAMLESSLY REMAINING
A NARRATIVE STRUCTURE WORTHY OF NOTE
EACH EPISODE TITLE IS A CHARACTER QUOTE

(CHORUS)
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW "THE WIRE" YET?
MAN, IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME
IT KIND OF MAKES ALL OTHER T.V.
SEEM UNBEARABLY SHITTY

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW "THE WIRE" YET?
MAN, IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME
IT'S ABOUT THE BALTIMORE P.D.
BUT FOCUSES HEAVILY
ON DETECTIVES THAT WORK HOMICIDES
IT'S LIKE GETTING A GLIMPSE INSIDE
A STRANGE AND FASCINATING WORLD
WITH WHICH I WAS UNFAMILIAR
BEFORE "THE WIRE" REVEALED TO ME
THE FRUSTRATING BUREAUCRACY
OF AN URBAN POLICE DEPARTMENT
ON THE VERGE OF FALLING APART
EACH SEASON TACKLES A NEW THEME
WHILE SEAMLESSLY REMAINING
A NARRATIVE STRUCTURE WORTHY OF NOTE
"THE WIRE" IS WORTH CHECKING OUT
Track Name: Viruses
I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH
I THINK I MIGHT BE GETTING SICK
I'VE CONTRACTED A VIRUS
WHICH MAKES ME SUSPICIOUS
OF HANDS I'VE SHOOK - OF KNOBS I'VE TURNED
OF KEYS I'VE STROKED - OH HOW MY HEAD BURNS

SICK - SICK - SICK

I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH
I THINK I MIGHT BE GETTING SICK
I'VE CONTRACTED A VIRUS
WHICH MAKES ME SUSPICIOUS
OF HANDS I'VE SHOOK - OF KNOBS I'VE TURNED
OF KEYS I'VE STROKED - OH HOW MY HEAD BURNS
Track Name: Do You Want A Pretzel?
A FRIED BLOB OF SALTED DOUGH
DO YOU WANT A PRETZEL?
THEY'LL RAISE YOUR CHOLESTEROL
DO YOU WANT A PRETZEL?
GRAB A WHOLE HANDFUL
OF SATISFYING PRETZELS
EAT UNTIL YOU GET FULL
OF DELECTABLE PRETZELS
TWISTED LIKE MY BLACKENED SOUL
TWISTED LIKE A PRETZEL
ROLLED GOLD'S FLAVOR IS ARTIFICIAL
ARTIFICIAL PRETZELS
BUY THEM IN THE SHOPPING MALL
AT THE CART THAT SELLS PRETZELS
EMPTY CALORIES - LOW-GRADE FUEL
THERE AIN'T MUCH GOOD IN PRETZELS
Track Name: Britknee Breaker & The Saga Of The Boston Derby Dames
BOSTON IS A CITY RIPE WITH MANY IMPERFECTIONS
HOWEVER STOIC LOCALS VOICE VERY FEW OBJECTIONS
AS THIS FAIR CITY SERVES AS THE BASE FOR THE BOSTON DERBY DAMES
SINCE THE DAMES CAME TO OUR RESCUE SHIT JUST AIN’T BEEN THE SAME
YOU SEE THE CITY HAD BEEN PLAUGED BY CRIME AND OTHER INDISCRETIONS
DISORDER WAS WIDESPREAD AS PEOPLE LET OFF THEIR AGGRESSION
THE COPS HAD LOST CONTROL – OVERPOWERED BY THE MASSES
THAT’S WHEN THE DAMES LACED UP THEIR SKATES AND SET OUT TO KICK ASSES

LAW & ORDER ARE ENFORCED
BY THIS SEXY DYNAMIC FORCE
OF COURSE BY NOW YOU KNOW THEIR NAME
YO, THEY’RE THE BOSTON DERBY DAMES

ENTER BRITKNEE BREAKER - THE BADASS VIGILANTE
A WARRIOR GODDESS THAT QUICKLY STRUCK MY FANCY
SHE CAUGHT MY EYE THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAW HER ON THE NEWS
BUSTING PREPUBESCENT KIDS FOR JACKING A TRUCKLOAD OF BOOZE
“SNOOZE NOT” IS THE MOTTO THAT THE CRIMINALS ADOPTED
FOR FEAR OF BEING BEAT OR KILLED THEY PROCEEDED WITH CAUTION
THE DAMES PATROLLED THE CITY ENFORCING STRICT DERBY LAW
AS WORD SPREAD ALL OF THE CRIMINALS FLED TO OMAHA

LAW & ORDER ARE ENFORCED
BY THIS SEXY DYNAMIC FORCE
OF COURSE BY NOW YOU KNOW THEIR NAME
YO, THEY’RE THE BOSTON DERBY DAMES

EVENTUALLY BRITKNEE AND ME HOOKED UP WITH ONE ANOTHER
WE STILL GO OUT SOMETIMES AND FIGHT SOME CRIME ALONGSIDE THE OTHERS
THOUGH ANYMORE IT’S JUST A BORE BECAUSE THERE’S NO CRIME TO FIGHT
IT SEEMS EVILDOERS WERE NO MATCH FOR THE DERBY DAMES’ MIGHT
Track Name: Shitty Dumb
I CAN’T PERFORM EFFICIENTLY
I AM NO GOOD TO ANYBODY
I LACK SKILLS AND EDUCATION
I’M IN A SHITTY SITUATION
I TRY MY BEST, BUT ALWAYS FAIL
OFTEN THE VICTIM OF BETRAYAL
GOT NO CAREER – NOTHING TO DO
EXCEPT WRITE SHITTY SONGS FOR YOU
BECAUSE

I’M SHITTY DUMB
I’M ONE OF TONS
OF STUPID FUCKERS WHO AIN’T GETTIN’ NOTHIN’ DONE
FALLING BEHIND
FEASTING ON CRUMBS
THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS WHEN YOU ARE SHITTY DUMB

I DO NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
I’M ALWAYS MAKING DUMB MISTAKES
LOOKED DOWN UPON BY ALL MY PEERS
NIEITHER RESPECTED, NOR FEARED
BECAUSE

I’M SHITTY DUMB
I’M ONE OF TONS
OF STUPID FUCKERS WHO AIN’T GETTIN’ NOTHIN’ DONE
FALLING BEHIND
FEASTING ON CRUMBS
THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS WHEN YOU ARE SHITTY DUMB
Track Name: Reading Is Cheating
OFTEN BRILLIANT IDEAS STRIKE ME AS I EAT
LIKE TONIGHT WHEN I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO CHEAT
BY READING SOME BOOKS IN PREPERATION
FOR NEXT WEEK’S DEBATE COMPETION
I LEARNED SO MUCH, NOW I HAVE THE UPPER HAND
SOURCES CITED IN CASE THERE’S A DEMAND
TO PROVE MY POINT BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT
SINCE I’VE CHEATED I’LL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT
MAD CLOUT AND PRESTIGE CAN COME WHEN ONE WINS A DEBATE
SOME WIN MONEY, OTHERS GLORY, SOME HAVE EVEN FOUND A MATE
BUT FOR ME IT’S ALL ABOUT RECOGNIZING
THAT READING IS CHEATING

READING IS CHEATING
BOOKS HOLD ALL THE EASY ANSWERS TO ALL THE HARDEST QUESTIONS
READING IS CHEATING
IF IT WERE JUST THAT EASY WHY WOULD WE NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE?

READING IS CHEATING
BOOKS HOLD ALL THE EASY ANSWERS TO ALL THE HARDEST QUESTIONS
READING IS CHEATING
MAN, IT’S JUST THAT EASY SO WHY NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE?
Track Name: The Bassturd, Chris Siddall, and Bill Latham - What's My Mother Fuckin' Name?
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A HOLE IN MY BRAIN
NOW I CAN’T REMEMBER MY OWN NAME
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL

SO, I HIT THE STREET TO SEEK OUT SOME HELP
ALL THE PEOPLE PASSING BY RUN AWAY WHEN I YELP
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM
COULD SOMEONE PLEASE LEND ME A HAND?
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL

I CAN REMEMBER HERS – I CAN REMEMBER HIS
BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT MINE IS
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL

WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
SIDDALL
WHAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME?
S – I – D – D – A – L - L
Track Name: Pay Up
YOU OWE ME DOUGH
AND SO YOU KNOW
I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN
YOUR DEBT WENT ROTTEN
YOU SAID YOU’D PAY
BUT THEN DELAYED
NOW I’M AFRAID
I’LL NEVER BE REPAID
FOR THE INTEREST
YOU HAVE AMASSED
FOR THE LATE FEES
AND PENALTIES
YOU’VE LEFT ME WITH NO CHOICE
I MUST EMPLOY
A COLLECTION AGENCY
TO COLLECT MY MONEY

I’M FED UP SO PAY UP
I’VE HAD ENOUGH
PAY ME MY DUE
OR ELSE YOU’RE THROUGH
I TRUSTED YOU
THOUGHT YOU’D COME THROUGH
YOU PLAYED ME LIKE A CHUMP
NOW IT’S TIME TO PAY UP

(REPEAT)
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Aurora, KS
IN 1887, ATCHISON, TOPEKA, AND SANTA FE RAILWAY
BUILT A BRANCH LINE FROM NEVA.
THREE MILES WEST OF STRONG CITY
THROUGH AURORA TO SUPERIOR NEBRASKA

IN 1996 ATCHISON, TOPEKA, AND SANTA FE
MERGED WITH BURLINGTON NORTHERN RAILROAD
AND RENAMED TO THE CURRENT BNSF RAILWAY

MOST LOCALS STILL REFER TO THIS RAILROAD
AS THE SANTA FE
TO THIS DAY THEY ALL SAY
SANTA FE

(REPEAT)
Track Name: Angelfood
MY PET FROGS ARE ANGELS
THAT FEAST ON FISH
THUS MY INTENTION WAS TO GRANT THEIR WISH
BY PROVIDING THEM WITH A DELICIOUS MEAL
BUT THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND FUCKED UP THE WHOLE DEAL
THE FROGS IGNORED YOU
PAID YOU NO MIND
I GUESS THEY JUST DIDN’T COTTON TO YOUR KIND
DAYS TURNED TO WEEKS AND YOU REMAINED UNTOUCHED
YOU BECAME A GOOD EATER, SNACKING ON FECES AND SUCH
EVENTUALLY YOU GREW ON ME
YOUR VERY PRESENCE MADE ME HAPPY
AND THOUGH IT MAY SEEM A TAD BIT CRUDE
I DECIDED TO NAME YOU ANGELFOOD

I DECIDED TO NAME YOU ANGELFOOD
I DECIDED TO NAME YOU ANGELFOOD

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER I REMOVED YOU
FROM THE SAFETY OF THE WATER THUS ENSURING YOUR DOOM
YOU WERE TOO SLIPPERY
I DROPPED YOU ON YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAIN WAS BADLY DAMAGED, BUT YOU WEREN’T DEAD
WHEN I PLACED YOU BACK IN THE TANK
YOU DIDN’T SWIM, YOU JUST SORT OF SANK
THE FROGS TOOK NOTE, SENSING YOUR WEAKNESS
AND THUS DECIDED, “MAN, FUCK IT, LET’S EAT THIS.”

ANGELFOOD
ANGELFOOD
ANGELFOOD
ANGELFOOD
Track Name: That's Why I Love Hy-Vee
WOULD IT BE TOO DUMB
TO PEN AN ANTHEM
FOR A GROCERY STORE
OR WOULD THAT JUST BE A BORE
MY MIND IS BADLY TWISTED
I’M DEEPLY CONFLICTED
BECAUSE A SONG ABOUT HY-VEE
JUST SEEMS TOO CHEESY

BUT THERE’S A HELPFUL SMILE IN EVERY AISLE
AND EVERY ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE
I’M SHOCKED TO FIND THAT’S ACTUALLY TRUE
OKAY, WELL MAYBE I’M FUCKING WITH YOU
THEY GOT CORN AND BEANS, LOCALLY GROWN GREENS
POTS AND SOIL FOR GARDENING
DECENT DOUGHNUTS, LONG DECORATIONS
SPIRITS AND ALL MANNER OF LIBATIONS
TASTING STATIONS, BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS
CURTAINS FOR BOTH WINDOWS AND SHOWERS
BULK SUGARY SNACKS AT DISCOUNTED PRICES
MANY VARIETIES OF HERBS AND SPICES
FRESHLY CUT OR GROUND UP MEATS
POWDER THAT GOES ON YOUR FEET
SIX PACKS OF HEE-HAW, FRESHLY BREWED COFFEE
THESE ARE THE REASONS THAT I LOVE HY-VEE

WOULD IT BE TOO DUMB
TO PEN AN ANTHEM
MY MIND IS BADLY TWISTED
I’M DEEPLY CONFLICTED
BECAUSE A SONG ABOUT HY-VEE
JUST SEEMS TOO CHEESY
Track Name: Quilting
LIKE ANY MOTHERFUCKER I STARTED WITH NEEDLEPOINT
LIKE A FUTURE DRUG ADDICT SMOKING HIS FIRST JOINT
QUICKLY MOVED ONTO KNITTING, IT ONLY SEEMED FITTING
CONSIDERING THE WEIRD COMPULSION WITH WHICH I’D BEEN LIVING
KNITTED HATS AND GLOVES AND SWEATERS
AND LITTLE STUFFED PENGUINS
THEN I BOUGHT A LOOM, AND I STARTED WEAVING
BELIEVING THAT I COULD ACHIEVE INNER PEACE
BY WEAVING GAUDY TAPESTRIES
MY MASTERY OF THESE THINGS WAS UNFATHOMABLY STAGGERING
THOUGH I COULDN’T HELP BUT FEEL AS THOUGH SOMETHING WAS LACKING
I SEARCHED FAR AND WIDE, EMBROIDERED AND TIE-DYED
JUST HOPING THAT I’D FIND SOMETHING TO EASE MY MIND
THEN JUST AS MY CREATIVITY STARTED WILTING
MY HOMEBOY TURNED ME ON TO QUILTING
MY SAVING GRACE, MAN I EMBRACED
QUILTING WITH A PASSION THAT OUTPACED
ALL OTHER HOBBIES, INTERESTS AND DESIRES
MY FOCUS WAS SHARP, I WAS GREATLY INSPIRED
I SOON ASPIRED TO ONE DAY BE
THE GREATEST QUILTER THAT THE WORLD HAD EVER SEEN
I STARTED SMALL, WITH SIMPLE DESIGNS
LIKE BALLOONS, OR SOMETIMES JUST SQUIGGLY LINES
BUT THE MORE I QUILTED, THE MORE SKILLED I BECAME
THANKS TO MY ETSY SITE I GAINED A LITTLE BIT OF FAME
AND THEN BECAME A REGULAR ON THE CRAFT FAIR CIRCUIT
A NATURAL SALESMAN, I KNEW HOW TO WORK IT
I WAS MOVING MAD VOLUME – I BECAME OVERWHELMED
SO I PACKED UP MY QUILTS AND FLED TO MY REALM
AT THE HELM OF AN ENTERPRISE THAT HAD OUTGROWN
WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF ACCOMPLISHING ON MY OWN
SO I GOT ON THE PHONE, MADE A FEW CALLS
SET UP A MEETING WITH A GROUP OF FELLOW QUILTERS AT THE MALL
WE DEVISED A PLAN TO JOIN FORCES
AND POOL OUR TALENTS AND RESOURCES
BEFORE TOO LONG WE HAD A LOCK
OURS WERE THE ILLEST QUILTS ON THE BLOCK
WE CRUSHED THE COMPETITION – WE LEFT ‘EM ALL WISHING’
THEY’D STAYED OUT OF THE QUILTING GAME AND PURSUED OTHER VISIONS
OUR MISSION WAS SUCCESSFUL – NOT AT ALL STRESSFUL
WE WERE MAKING CRAZY MONEY – LORDY HONEY – WE HAD PULL
\SO THERE YOU HAVE IT – THAT’S THE STORY
OF HOW QUILTING BROUGHT ME A BOUNTY OF CASH AND GLORY
I KNOW IT MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE
BUT I OWE EVERYTHING THAT I’VE GOT TO QUILTING
Track Name: Mary Streepy and The Bassturd - Stupid Revolution
THIS IS A STUPID REVOLUTION THE TEA PARTY IS EXECUTING
THEY’RE JUST SO ANGRY
YOU SEE, FREEDOM SHOULDN’T BE ABOUT HELPING ANYBODY
SO GROSSLY ILL-INFORMED
THEIR PERCEPTION OF REALITY IS DEFORMED
SILLY CORPORATE PUPPETS
A WIDE ARRAY OF NIT-WITS AND IDIOTS
Track Name: You Gotta Own It
WEAR IT WITH PRIDE
I PAY NO MIND
WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SAY
THAT DUDE MUST BE GAY

YOU GOTTA OWN IT
IF YOU’RE GONNA ROCK THAT SHIT
BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK TRASH
ABOUT THE MUSTACHE

GOT FUR BENEATH
MY NOSE AND ABOVE MY TEETH
IT MAKES ME LOOK SIMILAR
TO A 70’S ACTION MOVIE STAR

YOU GOTTA OWN IT
IF YOU’RE GONNA ROCK THAT SHIT
BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK TRASH
ABOUT THE MUSTACHE

AT FIRST IT JUST
LOOKED KIND OF RIDICULOUS
BUT EVENTUALLY
IT LITERALLY GREW ON ME

YOU GOTTA OWN IT
IF YOU’RE GONNA ROCK THAT SHIT
BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK TRASH
ABOUT THE MUSTACHE
Track Name: The States And Their Capitals
BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA
HELENA, MONTANA
LINCOLN, NEBRASKA
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
MADISON, WISCONSIN
LANSING, MICHIGAN
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
JUNEAU, ALASKA
CHEYENNE, WYOMING
ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS
SALEM, OREGON
SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA
AUSTIN, TEXAS
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA
DOVER, DELAWARE
CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA
DENVER COLORADO
ST. PAUL MINNESOTA
AUGUSTA, MAINE
FRANKFORT KENTUCKY
CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA
COLUMBUS, OHIO
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA
MONTPELIER, VERMONT
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
ALBANY, NEW YORK
DES MOINES, IOWA
HONOLULU, HAWAII
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA
HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA
OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON
PHOENIX, ARIZONA
JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS
BOISE, IDAHO
TRENTON, NEW JERSEY
SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND
PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA
TOPEKA, KANSAS
RICHMOND, VIRGINIA
CARSON CITY, NEVADA
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA
AND OF COURSE THE UNINCORPORATED DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
Track Name: My Brother The Librarian
FAR FROM BEING A BARBARIAN
MY BROTHER JUAN IS A LIBRARIAN
HIS LOVE OF BOOKS AND PASSION FOR READING
STRIKES SOME OBSERVERS AS SURPRISING
BECAUSE HIS OTHER INTERESTS ARE CRYPTIC
TELLTALE SIGNS OF SOME TWISTED GENIUS
FOR EXAMPLE YOU WILL NEVER MEET
SOMEONE WITH A GREATER NEED FOR A CATCHY PRO-WRESTER THEME
NOT TO MENTION HIS OBSESSION
WITH HORROR HOSTS SCREENING BAD MOVIE SELECTIONS
HE SITS ALL DAY, ODDLY ENTERTAINED
BY ELVIRA, ZACHERLY, AND SVENGOOLIE
WHILE THE BOOKSHELVES IN HIS APARTMENT
ARE LITTERED WITH ORWELL AND VONNERGUT
HIS RECORD COLLECTION MAINLY CONSISTS OF
OUT OF PRINT COMPS OF PRO-WRESTING ENTRANCE THEME SONGS
FAR FROM BEING A FREE MASON
MY BROTHER JUAN IS A LIBRARIAN
HIS LOVE OF BOOKS AND PASSION FOR READING
STRIKES SOME OBSERVERS AS SURPRISING
Track Name: Soil Yo' Self
EVERY TIME A HEAVY RAIN SATURATES THE GREAT PLAINS
A GREAT DEAL OF TOPSOIL RAPIDLY DRAINS
INTO UNPROTECTED TRIBUTARIES
INEVITABLY POLLUTING
THE HABITATS OF FISH AND OTHER CREATURES THAT BE USING
THE WATER SOURCES DOWNSTREAM AS A MEANS OF SURVIVING
THOUGH THE PROBLEM IS HUGE, THERE ARE VERY FEW STRIVING
TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE ISSUE OF SOIL PRESERVATION
TO SOME FARMERS THIS BRINGS GREAT FRUSTRATION
FOR CENTURIES NATIONS OF FARMERS MANAGED TO KEEP
THEIR SOIL FROM WASHING DOWNHILL INTO A NEARBY STREAM
BUT NOWADAYS SUBSIDIES ACTUALLY ENCOURAGE
THE PLANTING OF CROPS ON THE BANKS OF RIVERBEDS
YOU SEE THE GOVERNMENT HAS MADE IT SO LANDOWNERS ARE REWARDED
FOR PRODUCING THE HIGHEST YIELD THAT CAN BE AFFORDED
BY THE SPACE THAT IS AVAILABLE AND FERTILE ENOUGH FOR PLANNING
GRANTING CREDENCE TO IGNORANCE, THUS RECANTING
THE PRACTICE OF CREATING A NATURAL BARRIER
THAT SEPARATES THE FIELD FROM LAKES AND RIVERS
SERVING AS A BUFFER THESE BREAKS CAN TAKE THE FORM
OF A ROW OF TREES OR PRAIRIE THAT CAN PREVENT STORMS
FROM WASHING TONS OF MUD CONTAMINATED WITH POISON
CHEMICAL FERTILIZERS INTO WATER SHEDS
THUS IT MUST BE SAID THAT WE MUST ACT NOW
BECAUSE THE RESEARCH SHOWS THAT WE’RE LOSING GROUND

SOIL YO’ SELF – SOIL IS WEALTH
A MEANS BY WHICH WE CAN DETERMINE THE PLANET’S HEALTH

SOIL YO’ SELF – KEEP YOUR SOIL CLOSE
BECAUSE WITHOUT IT YOU’D JUST BE LEFT WITH CLAY AND STONE

SOIL YO’ SELF – PRACTICE CONSERVATION
AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT WHY NOT DO SOME WETLAND RESTORATION

SOIL YO’ SELF – BECAUSE OUR FATE IS AT STAKE
SO TO ALL MY FARMERS PLEASE CREATE A NATURAL BREAK

YO, SOIL YO’ SELF!
Track Name: Words For Leo
LEO, I FEEL IT’S TIME THAT I SHARE SOME ADVICE
YOUR FATHER REQUESTED THIS FAVOR OF ME, THUS IT SHALL BE
YOUNG LEO, SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE CAN BE INEXPLICABLY MEAN
THE WORLD IS CRUEL AND HOPELESSLY UNFORGIVING
THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU’LL SURVIVE IS IF YOU TRY
TRY TO BE KIND. TRY TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED OF SOMEONE HELPFUL
OPEN YOUR MIND. DON’T EVER LET IT CLOSE. DON’T PASS JUDGMENT ON PEOPLE
SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN YOU HAVE THE MEANS
DON’T BE GREEDY

WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE
AND WHAT WE GET OUT OF IT IS A ROLL OF THE DICE
SO, LIVE IT THE BEST THAT YOU CAN
LEND A HAND AND HELP TO AID THE BETTERMENT OF MAN

LEO THESE WORDS MAY NOT BRING YOU GREAT WEALTH
BUT BE ASSURED THAT THIS ADVICE IS SOUND
TAKE IT TO HEART AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOU’LL DO WELL

WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE
AND WHAT WE GET OUT OF IT IS A ROLL OF THE DICE
SO, LIVE IT THE BEST THAT YOU CAN
LEND A HAND AND HELP TO AID THE BETTERMENT OF MAN
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Satan's Wet Dream
I’VE GOT A NEW BAND
WE’RE GONNA PLAY PUNK
LIKE THE BAD BRAINS
BUT WITH SOME JAMES BROWN FUNK
LIKE THE WEIRDOS AND FEAR
WE’RE KEEPIN’ IT REAL
WE’RE KEEPIN’ RAW WITH LIMITED APPEAL

I’VE GOT A NEW BAND
WITH AN EDGY SOUND
WE’RE PLAYING NEXT WEEK
HEY MAN, YOU SHOULD COME DOWN
I’LL PUT YOU ON THE GUEST LIST
BECAUSE I THINK YOU’LL DIG THIS
PROJECT MORE THAN ANYTHING I’VE EVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH

I’VE GOT A NEW BAND
WITH A FOCUSED VISION
ON CONQUERING THE SCENE WITH ELOQUENT PRECISION
WE’RE GONNA BE HUGE
I EVEN GOT A FRIEND OF MINE TO WRITE A HYPE SONG ALL ABOUT THE GROUP

I’VE GOT A NEW BAND
CALLED SATAN’S WET DREAM
MORE GROTESQUE AND SHOCKING THAN ANYTHING YOU’RE IMAGINING
OUR FORM IS PERFECTED
WE’RE GONNA FUCKIN’ WRECK SHIT
SATAN’S WET DREAM IS BRING THE BUSINESS
DOWN…
Track Name: The Greatest Ground Display Show In The State
WE HAVE THE GREATEST SHOW OF GROUND DISPLAYS
IN FACT IT IS THE LARGEST IN THE STATE
IT’S SET TO MUSIC AND ACCOMPANIED BY NARRATIVE
TALES OF OUR TOWN’S HISTORY, A REFLECTION OF HOW WE STILL LIVE

WE CORDIALLY INVITE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
TO JOIN US ON THE 4TH OF JULY
WE ILLUMINATE THE GROUND AS WELL AS THE SKY

IT’S UNDERWHELMING WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH COLORED FLARES
YOU CAN KIND OF MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE A PIG THAT’S FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
BUT NONETHELESS OUR ELABORATE GROUND DISPLAYS
REMAIN THE CROWN JEWEL OF IOWA TO THIS DAY
Track Name: 112 Days
IT’S BEEN ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE DAYS
SINCE I WAS CAPTURED AND ENSLAVED
GIVEN NO REASON AND CHARGED WITH NO CRIME
IMPRISONED AND TORTURED, I TURNED OVER TIME

I AM A STUDENT OF THE KORAN
I DESPERATELY STRUGGLED TO UNDERSTAND
WHY A COUNTRY THAT ALLEGED TO BE FREE
HAD SO VENOMOUSLY TURNED ON ME

TRICKED BY FALSE PROMISES INTO CONFESSIONS
TORTURED BY WATER BOARDING SESSIONS
TRICKED INTO EATING A HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH
THEY TOLD ME THAT IT WAS EGG SALAD AND SALMON
Track Name: Cooking Chili
COOKING CHILI IS MY PASSION
I PREPARE IT WITH GREAT CARE
APPLYING JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT
OF ALL THE THINGS THAT GO IN THERE
FIRST I START WITH A RICH BASE
ADDING POWDER FOR THE RIGHT TASTE
THEN ONCE COMPLETE I MOVE ALONG
TO THE NEXT PART OF THE PHASE
I PUT IN BEANS AND VEGETABLES
UNTIL THE CHILI POT IS FULL
THEN I FRY UP SOME HAMBURGER
AND TOSS IT INTO A BOWL
WITH SEASONINGS THAT SURELY ADD
A SUCCULENT AND ROBUST FLAVOR
TAKE A TASTE TO SEE WHAT’S MISSING
CLOSE MY EYES AND DEEPLY SAVOR
THE RICH, BOLD, AND HARDY TASTE
IT WARMS MY HEART, IT MAKES THE GRADE
NOW IT’S TIME TO ADD THE SPICES
THEN I GRAB MY TRUSTY BLADE
DICE THE HERBS, FINELY SLICED GARLIC
STIR IT UP AND TOSS IT IN
SET THE LID ATOP THE POT
AND LET THE STEWING BEGIN
PERIODICALLY I TASTE THE CHILI
SO I CAN BE CERTAIN
EVERYTHING IS BLENDING NICELY
ENSURING IT WILL BE PERFECT
AFTER SITTING FOR A SPELL
I CAN TELL JUST BY THE SMELL
WHEN THE CHILI IS FINISHED COOKING
AS ALWAYS IT TURNS OUT WELL

COOKING CHILI IS MY PASSION
I PREPARE IT WITH GREAT CARE
APPLYING JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT
OF ALL THE THINGS THAT GO IN THERE
AFTER SITTING FOR A SPELL
I CAN TELL JUST BY THE SMELL
WHEN THE CHILI IS FINISHED COOKING
AS ALWAYS IT TURNS OUT PERFECT
Track Name: Don't Start Believing
DON’T START BELIEVING
DON’T START BELIEVING

NOW IS NOT THE TIME
TO BELIEVE IN ANYTHING
NOTHING CAN PREVENT
WHAT IS HAPPENING

DON’T START BELIEVING
DON’T START BELIEVING

NOW IS NOT THE TIME
TO BELIEVE IN ANYONE
Track Name: My Own Mind
MY OWN MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY
MY OWN MIND IS ALWAYS TORTURING ME
THERE IS NO ESCAPING
THE SEEMINGLY ENDLESS BARRAGE
OF HORRIBLE THOUGHTS THAT PLAGUE ME
GRANTING ME NO TIME FOR PAUSE

MY OWN MIND HAS TWO MODES
EUPHORIC AND PAINFULLY LOW
MY OWN MIND MAKES ME RESTLESS
IT NEVER LEAVES ME ALONE

MY OWN MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY
MY OWN MIND IS ALWAYS TORTURING ME
MY OWN MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY
Track Name: Recycling
REPURPOSING EVERYTHING
ALWAYS RECYCLING
NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES
PLASTIC JUGS AND BATTERIES
CELL PHONES AND TIN CANS
RUSTY OLD FRYING PANS
SCRATCHED AND CRACKED CDS
BROKEN T.V.S

IT HELPS TO PUT MY MIND AT EASE
CONSTANTLY RECYCLING
I SEE NO NEED FOR ALL THIS WASTE
TO BE TAKING UP ALL THIS SPACE
I PUT IT INTO BLUE BINS
SEND IT OFF SO THAT IT CAN
BE MADE INTO A NEW PRODUCT
LIKE A TOTE BAG OR COFFEE CUP

I’VE NOT BEEN PAID A SINGLE DIME
FOR MY RESOURCES OR TIME
UNLESS OF COURSE I RECYCLE
ALUMINUM OR OTHER METALS
WHY LET IT BIODEGRADE
WHEN WE CAN TAKE A PAPER PLATE
AND WITH SOME EXPENSIVE MAGIC
TURN IT INTO A NOTEBOOK

REPURPOSING EVERYTHING
ALWAYS RECYCLING
NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES
PLASTIC JUGS AND BATTERIES
CELL PHONES AND TIN CANS
RUSTY OLD FRYING PANS
SCRATCHED AND BROKEN CDS
FUCKED UP T.V.S
Track Name: Tender Eyes
YOUR TENDER EYES REFLECTING THE LIGHT
I CAN SEE MYSELF IN THEM SOMETIMES
YOUR TENDER FACE ACCEPTS AN EMBRACE
FROM THE TIPS OF MY LIPS WITH EFFORTLESS GRACE

TWO HEARTS BEAT IN SYNC
TWO HEARTS DETERMINING
THE PATHS WE TAKE AND THE CHOICES WE MAKE
THE FEELINGS OUR HEARTS CANNOT FAKE

YOUR TENDER SOUL IS MY PILLOW
WHEN I NEED IT MOST IT SWALLOWS ME WHOLE
YOUR TENDER SKIN IS MY CUSHION
WHEN PRESSED AGAINST ME IT’S INVITING
YOUR TENDER VOICE IS COMFORTING
YOUR TENDER SPIRIT IS INSPIRING

TWO HEARTS BEAT IN SYNC \
TWO HEARTS DETERMINING
THE PATHS WE TAKE AND THE CHOICES WE MAKE
THE FEELINGS OUR HEARTS CANNOT FAKE
Track Name: Todd's Neat Futons
BELMOND, IOWA IS A SMALL TOWN
WITH AN ECONOMY BASED AROUND
ENGINE VALVE MANUFACTURING
AS WELL AS CORN AND SOYBEAN FARMING
IT’S A PRETTY NORMAL, BORING PLACE
SECLUDED, LOTS OF OPEN SPACE
BUT OUT OF THIS MUNDANE SCENE GREW
AN ABRASIVE AND WEIRD MUSICAL GROUP
IN THE EARLY 90S NORMALITY PREVAILED
POP CULTURE WAS WATERED DOWN AND STALE
THEN ALONG CAME NIRVANA USHERING IN A
NEW AND STRANGE MUSICAL ERA
ALMOST OVERNIGHT WEIRDOES APPEARED
FRONTING EVERY BAND THAT YOU’D HEAR
WELL BELMOND, IOWA WAS NO EXCEPTION
THEY HAD TODD’S NEAT FUTONS
FORMED IN 1993 BY BRIAN AND BRANDON BOELMAN
DAN BUTLER, CODY HENNESY, AND TODD COURSON
NOVICE MUSICIANS – THEY HAD NO CLUE
HOW TO WRITE, OR SING, OR PLAY, OR EVEN PERFORM A TUNE
YET THEY BOLDLY DECLARED THAT ON AUGUST 15TH
1994 THEY’D HOST A PARTY
HELD IN A MACHINE SHED
SEVERAL DOZEN ATTENDED
AND SO IT BEGAN

THROUGHOUT THE ENSUING YEAR THE FUTONS RELEASED
TWO FULL LENGTH TAPES OF BASEMENT RECORDINGS
MUCH TO THE BAND’S SURPRISE THESE TAPES SOLD WELL
AND HELPED CREATE A GROUNDSWELL
THAT INEVITABLY LED TO INVITATIONS TO PLAY
AT A JUNIOR HIGH LOCK-IN AND A GROCERY STORE’S BIRTHDAY
THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY, MAKING WAVES ABOUT TOWN
OPENED APRIL FEST AT THE NORTH IOWA FAIRGROUNDS
THEIR SHOWS WERE CHAOTIC, BOLD, AND IDIOTIC
TO SOME IT SEEMED MAYBE THE BAND WAS PSYCHOTIC
THEIR ANTICS UNCEASING, VENUES WERE REFUSING
TO LET THEM CONTINUE PERFORMING AND USING
THE RENTED P.A. AND THE MAKESHIFT STAGE
WITH VERY FEW CHOICES OF VENUES TO PLAY
THE BAND STOPPED GIGGING AND FADED AWAY
BUT LEFT US WITH THIS LEGACY

TODD’S NEAT FUTONS
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Dumber Than You
DUMBER THAN YOU
DUMBER THAN YOU
I KNOW A DUDE WHO IS DUMBER THAN YOU
YOUR EXPRESSION SUGGESTS YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT IT’S TRUE
BUT I KNOW A DUDE WHO IS DUMBER THAN YOU

AND IT WOULD SEEM YOU KNOW HIM TOO
BECAUSE I’M TALKING TO YOU

WEIRDER AND CRUDE
TASTELESS AND RUDE
I KNOW A DUDE WHO IS DUMBER THAN YOU
OBLIVIOUS TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE MAY VIEW
AND INCOMPETENT FOOL WHO IS DUMBER THAN YOU

AND IT SEEMS YOU KNOW HIM TOO
BECAUSE I’M TALKING TO YOU
Track Name: Truckin' Them Twinkies
AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE
AND TO BE THAT IMPLIES THAT WE’RE FREE TO BE
AS INDULGENT AS WE DEEM NECESSARY
THUS OUR CULTURE GAVE RISE TO THE TWINKIE

NOW I MAKE MY LIVING HAULING THEM TO MARKET
A TRUCKLOAD OF TWINKIES AND A BOATLOAD OF PRIDE
THE PUBLIC DEMANDS AN EXCESSIVE SNACK TREAT
A VALUABLE SERVICE I DO PROVIDE

TRUCKIN’ THEM TWINKIES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
SPREADING THE GIFT OF OBESITY
TRUCKIN’ THEM TWINKIES SO EVERYBODY
CAN HAVE A TASTE OF THE AMERICAN DREAM
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - You Are Incorrect
YOU ARE MISTAKEN
THAT IS INCORRECT
(REPEAT)
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Doug, What's Your Address?
DOUG, WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS?
I’VE STILL GOT YOUR PACKAGE
DOUG, WHERE SHOULD I SEND IT?
PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY TO THIS REQUEST
DOUG, I’D LIKE TO SAY THANKS
FOR CONTRIBUTING TO THE CAMPAIGN
I HAVE A CD AND 7 INCH FOR YOU
AS WELL AS THIS HALF ASSED TUNE

YO DOUG, WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS
I’D LIKE TO SEND YOU YOUR PACKAGE
I’VE TRIED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU
BUT THUS FAR THOSE EFFORTS HAVE BARED NO FRUIT

HEY DOUG
YO DOUG
HEY DOUG
HEY DOUG

YO DOUG, WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS?
I’VE STILL GOT YOUR PACKAGE
DOUG, WHERE SHOULD I SEND IT?
PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY TO THIS REQUEST

HEY DOUG
YO DOUG

YO DOUG, WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS?
I’VE STILL GOT YOUR PACKAGE
DOUG, WHERE SHOULD I SEND IT?
PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY TO THIS REQUEST
DOUG, I’D LIKE TO SAY THANKS
FOR CONTRIBUTING TO THE CAMPAIGN
I HAVE A CD AND 7 INCH FOR YOU
AS WELL AS THIS HALF ASSED TUNE
YO DOUG
Track Name: The Great Midwestern
I’D LIKE TO EAT A BOWL OF CREAMY LEEKS
A SIDE OF DAY OLD BREAD
AND A SMALL CUP OF BLACK COFFEE
THIS PLACE SEEMS TO EXCLUSIVELY EMPLOY
CUTE NERDY GIRLS AND SCUMMY BOYS
THEY RARELY CHARGE ME FOR MY MEAL
AN ATMOSPHERE OF NEAR PERFECT HARMONY AND JOY

I’D LIKE TO EAT A BOWL OF CREAMY LEEKS
A SIDE OF DAY OLD BREAD
AND A SMALL CUP OF BLACK COFFEE
THIS IS TRULY ZEN
BUT LIKE ALL GOOD THINGS IT WILL COME TO AN END
A FOR-PROFIT SOUP KITCHEN DESTINED TO FAIL
THE GREAT MIDWESTERN
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - The Ballad Of Bryce Wayne
I LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF MY OLDER BROTHER\
THOUGH WE ARE BOTH HEROES
HE IS MUCH MORE POPULAR

AFTER OUR PARENTS’ DEATH HE RECEIVED ALL THE INHERITANCE
BECAUSE I WAS CONSIDERED MENTALLY INCOMPETENT
WE WERE BOTH DRIVEN TO AVENGE THE DEATHS OF OUR PARENTS AT THE HANDS OF EVIL MEN

MY BROTHER BRUCE INVESTED A GREAT DEAL OF HIS NEW FORTUNE
INTO CRIME FIGHTING DEVICES THAT GAVE HIM THE UPPER HAND
WHEN CONFRONTED BY A FOE WITH CUNNING REFLEXES AND POWER
HE PROMPTLY VANQUISHED THE THREAT AND WAS NAMED MAN OF THE HOUR

CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT GOTHAM AS THE ONE AND ONLY BATMAN
IT’S CHALLENGING COMPETING WITH HIS REPUTATION
I HAVE NO ARMORED CAR OR UTILITY BELT
JUST A LEARNING DISABILITY AND A CAPE MADE OF FELT

I’M OUT THERE FIGHTING EVIL EVERY SINGLE DAY
THOUGH TO MUCH LESS FANFARE THAN MY BROTHER BRUCE WAYNE
CONFIDENT THAT PEOPLE WILL ONE DAY TAKE NOTICE OF MY EFFORTS
I AM RATMAN, BATMAN’S IDIOT BROTHER
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - A Park In Ames
THERE IS A PARK IN AMES
BUILT ATOP RADIOACTIVE WASTE
A PARK WHERE CHILDREN OFTEN PLAY
AND THEN GO ON TO SUDDENLY DIE PREMATURELY

ALL THE CHILDREN THAT USED TO PLAY THERE
ARE LOSING ALL OF THEIR HAIR
BLACK SPOTS ON THEIR PASTY SKIN
RADIATION POISONING

THERE IS A PARK IN AMES
BUILT ATOP RADIOACTIVE WASTE
A PARK WHERE CHILDREN OFTEN PLAY
AND THEN GO ON TO SUDDENLY DIE PREMATURELY
Track Name: The Asp
MY NAME IS PAUL BUT YOU CAN CALL THE ASP
THERE’S NO NEED TO GASP, AND PLEASE DON’T ASK
HOW IT CAME TO BE THAT PEOPLE STARTED CALLING ME
BY THIS NICKNAME – I HAVE NO MEMORY
OF ITS ORIGIN, SO PLEASE STOP ASKING WHY
FOR FURTHER INFORMATION I’M UNABLE TO SUPPLY
THAT’S JUST ALWAYS HOW IT’S BEEN, SO THAT’S HOW IT SHALL BE
FOR ALL OF ETERNITY
(REPEAT)
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Excluding All Others
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Fatal Familial Insomnia
SINCE THIS DISEASE
HAS OVERTAKEN ME
I DON’T GET ANY SLEEP
I NEVER NAP
I CANNOT DREAM
A GENETIC CONDITION
PUT ME IN THIS POSITION
PARANOIA AND ANXIETY
AMPLIFY AS SLEEP ELUDES ME

FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA
FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS TURN INTO WEEKS
I’VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT – I CANNOT EAT
DEMENTIA BEGINS TO SET IT
UNRESPONSIVE AND HALLUCINATING
AFTER 14 MONTHS WITH ANY SLEEP
I CANNOT SPEAK – I’M DYING OF

FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA
FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Would You Like To Play Atari?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY ATARI?
I’VE GOT THE SMURFS GAME FROM COLECO
OR IF YOU’D RATHER WE COULD PLAY STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
OR A GAME OF UNO
I’VE GOT SOME GARBAGE PAIL KIDS
FROM THE ALL NEW 2ND SERIES
I’LL TRADE YOU NEW WAVE DAVE AND NERVOUS REX
FOR VENTILATED VINNIE

LET’S TAKE A BREAK AND EAT SOME DORITOS
AND DRINK MOUNTAIN DEW FROM GLASS BOTTLES

IT’S TIME TO GO NOW
OUR PARENTS’ CARD GAME IS DONE
I’LL BECOME FUSSY BECAUSE WE
ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Boulez
BOULEZ
BOULEZ
BOULEZ
TWELVE TONE TECHNIQUE
(Repeat)
Track Name: God Is My Family
GOD IS MY FAMILY
(Repeat)
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - I Love You Dearly
MY LIFE SEEMED TO BE BORING BEFORE YOU CHANGED EVERYTHING
YOU ARE AMAZING
I’M GLAD YOU HAD THE TIME TO SPEND ON BECOMING MY DEAREST FRIEND
I BELIEVE YOU SAVED ME
FROM A LIFE OF MISERY THAT I WAS HOPELESSLY LIVING
I LOVE YOU DEARLY
Track Name: Your Plaster Body
I STORED AN IMAGE OF YOU IN MY MIND
BUT THAT IMAGE STARTED FADING OVER TIME
I’VE CARRIED CRIPPLING GRIEF WITH ME
SINCE THE DAY YOU DIED
I OFTEN WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE WITH ME
STANDING BY MY SIDE
MANY YEARS HAVE PASSED AND I WAS HARD PRESSED
TO FILL THE EMPTY VOID
THAT YOUR PASSING LEFT WITHIN MY SOUL
EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED
UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN I WAS VISITING THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM
THEY WERE FEATURING AN EXHIBIT OF HUMAN PLASTINATION
AMIDST THE MAZE OF BODIES I STUMBLED UPON A FIGURE
IT EERILY RESEMBLED YOUR MANY SUBTLE FACIAL FEATURES

NOW I GO EVERY DAY AND STARE AT YOUR PLASTER BODY
THE IMAGE TAKES ME AWAY TO A WARM, HAPPY PLACE IN MY MEMORIES
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Flabbergaster's
COME ON DOWN TO FLABBERGASTER’S
AND SEE SOME EXOTIC DANCERS
SHAKE THEIR FLAB AMIDST A MASS
OF ONLOOKERS WITH FISTS OF CASH
THE GIRLS TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES
THEN RUB THEIR PUSSIES ON A POLE
THEY STRUT ABOUT TOTALLY NUDE
TALKING TO ALL OF THE DUDES
THEY WILL SIT DOWN IN YOUR LAP
JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK
THOUGH THEY WONT FUCK YOU, PLEASE FEEL FREE
TO SERVICE YOURSELF MANUALLY
WE’VE GOT PRIVATE ROOMS WITH BEDS
WHERE YOU CAN GET OVERPRICED HEAD
WE’RE OPEN EVERYDAY AT SIX
STOP IN AND GET AN ERECT DICK
Track Name: Forest & Meadow
FOREST & MEADOW
(Repeat)
Track Name: Vows
I, DEBBIE ASK YOU DAN TO BE MY HUSBAND NOW AND FOREVER
I WILL BE LOYAL TO YOU, WORK WITH YOU,
AND SHARE YOUR DREAMS AND IDEAS
I WILL BE YOUR REFUGE OF COMFORT IN TIMES
OF TROUBLE AND SORROW
MOST OF ALL I WILL LOVE YOU ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE

I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO

MAY THESE RINGS BE A SYMBOL OF YOUR FAITH IN EACH OTHER
AND ALWAYS REMIND THEM OF THEIR LOVE
DO YOU TAKE THIS RING AS A SIGN OF MY LOVE AND FIDELITY?
DO YOU TAKE THIS RING AS A SIGN OF MY LOVE AND FIDELITY?

I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
Track Name: The Bassturd & Bill Latham - Red Red Wine
RED RED WINE
PLEASE FUCK ME UP
RED RED WINE
I WANNA GET DRUNK
RED RED WINE
MAKE ME UNABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT
RED RED WINE
HINDER MY ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE

RED RED WINE
GET IN MY BELLY
RED RED WINE
PLEASE POISON ME
RED RED WINE
CAUSE ME TO REGURGITATE
RED RED WINE
MAKE ME A DEGENERATE
Track Name: Max Keiser
MAX KEISER
MAX KEISER
HOSTS “ON THE EDGE” ON PRESS T.V.
MAX KEISER
MAX KEISER
INVENTED VIRTUAL SPECIALIST TECHNOLOGY
MAX KEISER
MAX KEISER
SOMETIMES WRITES FOR THE HUFFINGTON POST
MAX KEISER
MAX KEISER
HE’S THE ONE I TRUST THE MOST
Track Name: The First Man To Die During A Spaceflight
VLADAMIR KOROMOV
WAS A SOVIET COSMONAUT
HIS KNOWLEDGE AS AN ENGINEER AND TEST FLIGHT EXPERIENCE
LED TO HIS INCLUSION IN AIR FORCE GROUP ONE
THOUGH TWICE DECLARED UNFIT FOR TRAINING OR SPACEFLIGHT
HIS PERSEVERANCE AND VAST SKILL SET SOON CAME TO LIGHT
EVENTUALLY HE WOULD BE SELECTED TO LEAD
THE FIRST MULTI-MANNED SPACEFLIGHT IN HISTORY
NAMED VOSKOD ONE, THIS MISSION PRESENTED
A NUMBER OF TECHNICAL INNOVATIONS
UPON RETURNING TO EARTH KOROMOV WOULD SOON
BE TASKED WITH LEADING SOYAZ ONE IN AN ATTEMPT TO REACH THE MOON

THE FLIGHT WAS RIPE WITH MISHAPS DESPITE THE BEST EFFORTS EMPLOYED
UPON ORBITAL INSERTION THE SOLAR PANELS FAILED TO DEPLOY
THEREBY PREVENTING THE CRAFT FROM BEING FULLY POWERED
KOROMOV TRIED TO ORIENT THE SOYAZ FOR FIVE HOURS

ON HIS 19THT ORBIT KOROMOV MANUALLY REORIENTED
THE CRAFT USING THE SUN THEN HE SUCCESSFULLY REENTERED
THE ATMOSPHERE, BUT THE BRAKING PARACHUTE FAILED TO DEPLOY CORRECTLY
AND THE CRAFT CRASHED TO EARTH KILLING KOROMOV INSTANTLY
Track Name: Horses, Nuns, and Vaseline
RIDING A STUD, A NUN WITH A STRONG AMBITION
TO ACQUIRE A TON OF LUBRICATION
HER FASCINATION WITH THE PROPERTIES OF VASELINE
BROUGHT CONDEMNATION FROM THE CONGREGATION
WIND RESISTANCE FROM HER HABIT DROVE THE STALLION TO EXHAUSTION
WRITHING IN CONVULSIONS
HER PURSUIT CONTINUED DRIVEN BY DISTASTE FOR FRICTION
HORSES, NUNS, AND VASELINE – A HAIRY, STICKY SITUATION

HORSES, NUNS, AND VASELINE
HORSES, NUNS, AND VASELINE
(REPEAT)
Track Name: Alien Robots
WHEN WE AWOKE FROM OUR LONG DORMANT SLUMBER
INDIFFERENT TO THE INFLUENCE OF THE DRUGS WE WERE UNDER
A THUNDEROUS CRASH JOLTED US FROM OUR DAZE
OUR SURROUNDINGS WERE ASTOUNDING
CONFOUNDED AND AMAZED
WE CAUTIOUSLY PROBED THE VICINITY
EVIDENCE OF A CALAMITY – A TRULY HORRIFIC SCENE
JUST THEN ON THE HORIZON A SPACECRAFT APPEARED
BOMBING EVERYTHING AS IT SLOWLY NEARED

IT SEEMED AS THOUGH WE HAD STUMBLED UPON AN INTERSTELLAR BATTLE
AS ALIEN ROBOTS RAINED BOMBS UPON THE LAND
MY NERVES WERE BADLY RATTLED
SUDDENLY I FOUND MYSELF AMIDST A CLOUD OF SMOKE
WITH YOU STARING AT ME
IT CLICKED AS I DRIFTED BACK TO REALITY,
MAN, THAT WAS SOME CRAZY WEED
Track Name: Lazy Gravy
(Instrumental)
Track Name: N.W.A.
N.W.A.
YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THE POLICE
THEY SERVE AND PROTECT
OUR COMMUNITIES
N.W.A.
WHAT’S WITH THE HOSTILITY?

A BITCH AIN’T A BITCH
THEY’RE MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS AND DANCERS AND WIDOWS
A BITCH AIN’T A BITCH
AND A HO AIN’T A HO

N.W.A.
YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY
THINKING POSITIVELY
N.W.A.
YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS
N.W.A.
YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS